The Third Wheel

the third wheel

Is it ever ok to be a third wheel on a date? Or is it ok to have a third wheel accompany you on a date?

There is always a time and a place…. and depending on which stage in the relationship or dating faze you’re in the answer to those questions may be very different.

I say YES to a third wheel when it is a casual get together… drink… maybe a 4th date (if you have to)…

I say NO when it is the first, second or third date…. There is a line… and it needs to be drawn.

Last week I was asked out on a date… it started out quite well. I wasn’t really feeling up to going, the weather was bad and it had been a long day. So I tried to get out of the date as us women often do when we are only semi interested.

The guy was so keen he sent a hire car to pick me up from my house and take me to the restaurant. I thought that was nice and a very generous gesture, one which I couldn’t refuse. So I got dressed and jumped into the hire car. The car dropped me at a bar where I was met by my date. Very nice, cute guy….I was still not overly interested but it was better than staying at home alone.

We were enjoying a drink when his friend turns up…. it was ok at first but then he didn’t leave… they laughed at their own inside jokes and I felt like the third wheel.

I was copping being the third wheel because I didn’t want to be rude and I secretly was happy that I didn’t have to fake an interesting conversation with my date.

The friend then accompanied us to dinner… and that is when it got even more awkward. My dates friend started talking about strip clubs, how much he likes them and how we should head to one after dinner?!?!?!

I quickly finished my meal and jumped a cab. never to see either of them again.

What baffles me is the guy I was meant to be on a date with called me the following week asking me out again… It made me realise that some men just have no clue. I never saw him again.

I think as women it is important that when we feel uncomfortable in a situation we realise it is ok to say no and it is ok to stand our ground and not compromise what we want or how we feel.

So I ask you, is it ok to be a third wheel on your own date????

x

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The modern woman

Modern Woman

Ok you asked for it…so here it is.

In my last post I articulated my thoughts on the modern men of today… in this post I will give you my perception of the modern woman.

Woman are becoming harder to please our expectations are too high and far to unattainable. We expect the world but don’t want to reciprocate the effort.  While we demand attention, when we get it, it either isn’t good enough or it is too much… we can’t be pleased.

We don’t give men second chances and we are far too judgemental… we compare every new date with the last and are happy to tell you when you aren’t pleasing us.

We are unforgiving and demanding.

The modern woman is too fussy… we don’t want hook ups or texts but we don’t want to be smothered.

We judge men for being unfaithful but we are more than happy to accept some attention and flirt with married or taken men… quick to criticise but we need to practice what we preach.

Gone are the days of staying at home tending to our mans every need… we can be too competitive in work and love…

I think the modern woman is guilty of texting too much…we get the courage to lead you down the garden path behind the keyboard but when it comes to putting it into action we are no where to be found.

We take much more than we give…

Women seem to have less boundaries…

We sacrifice what we believe in when we love someone…a detrimental trait…for when there are no boundaries there are no solid foundations.

The Modern Man

modern man

I have been on dates with many different men, all very different… Different personalities, jobs, lifestyles, bank accounts and looks. Yet it seems there is one recurring similarity all these men seem to share.

They have become what I dub the ‘modern man’. Chilvry is a thing of the past and dating has become more of a ‘hook up’. Dinner and a movie is a rare event instead we get texts asking for a casual drink on a Friday after work with his mates.

Men have lost the confidence to call, they take the easy way out knowing texting has now become the accepted form of communication. Many younger women in their 20’s haven’t even experience a real date… the casual hook up is becoming the new date.

With less one on one communication do you ever truly get to know someone?

Men who understand the importance of picking up the phone are far and few in-between…. This is why single women in there mid twenties to early thirties are out numbering the single blokes. We have high expectations that aren’t being met.

Unfortunately for the modern man monogamy is a thing of the past. Gone are the days of ‘until death do us part’. It’s been replaced with ‘until I find someone better’. Turn your back for a minute and your man is already lining up his next target. Even the most faithful of men in the most loving relationships. Dangle the bait and they can’t say no.

It is a vicious circle … no effort from men, means more single women… which gives the men in relationships more temptation to cheat…

Of course there are exceptions to the rule… but as women we need to stand strong with what we believe in and never settle for less.

is the unknown safer than the known?

He did what?

Blind dating is uncomfortable to say the least. You never know what you are going to get… The beauty of the internet allows you to stalk from a distance but even so, people can look a lot different in person.

I have had my fair share of blind dates… and I can confidently say NONE of them have worked out. There are too many variables and too many unknowns.

Last year I was set up on another blind date. This time felt different, I was genuinely excited. He looked great on paper… real-estate mogul and  country boy… Country boys are renowned for being genuine and lovely.

I googled him of course and he looked very handsome… wow, rich, nice and handsome what more could I want!

We bantered via email making small talk… a few days later he invited me to have a drink after work one Friday afternoon. I agreed cringing at the thought of have another blind date, but secretly excited hoping this blind date would be different.

I caught a cab to the bar where we arranged to meet. It was quite a swish place filled with lots of bankers having afterwork drinks.

I arrived five minutes late, 7:05pm, he hadn’t arrived yet. I ordered my drink of choice a G & T and took a seat at the bar doing that awkward fiddle with the phone women do when they are waiting for someone. It got to 7:20 pm he still hadn’t arrived and no call. At this stage the barman asked me if I was waiting for someone and I laughed and said “he is always late” obviously a lie, never met the guy. 7:30pm, 7:40pm, 7:50pm passed and he still hadn’t showed. I am not sure why I stuck around but I guess i felt I had already committed to waiting like a loser.

I got a text at 7:55pm which read ” so sorry running late will be there in 5 minutes” . I thought I must have got the times muddled up (which I didn’t) . At this point I wasn’t impressed. Anyone who knows me will tell you I’m very inpatient and I don’t like to be made a fool of.

He eventually rocked up just after 8pm. (so nice of him to join me!). He was very handsome and you could just tell by the way he carried himself he knew it.

No apology, nothing. He came up to me and gave me a kiss on both cheeks and said “darling a drink? I don’t have long I have to be at a dinner at 8:30pm, you don’t mind do you?” my skin was crawling, rude to the tenth degree.

We had one quick drink… which I didn’t even get to finish before he said he had to go to dinner (I imagine with another girl). He asked if I could drop him off in a cab along the way… I agreed, it wasn’t really on my way but I didn’t want to be rude.

As we were walking to the cab he really upped it a notch… literally.

He said “wow you have the most fuckable legs I have ever seen, you’re giving me a hard on!” …EXCUSE ME????!!>@>!>@<#<M@!>!!! What the! I was gobsmacked, couldn’t believe what I was hearing. He said it again and once more after that.Perhaps he thought he could get away with it because I was laughing awkwardly.  I am up for silly banter but this slimy, arrogant, real-estate mogul had taken it one step too far…

One hour late, a twenty minute drink and he couldn’t even make time for dinner…please…

Just another bad blind date to add to the list. I never saw him again after that night… he tried to call me a few times but I didn’t take his calls, I hope it bruised his ego 🙂

Ring a ding ding- are those alarm bells ringing?

Alarm Bells

When it comes to dating there are some key signs signalling when you should opt out. These are called red flags or alarm bells. Often these signs become aparent from the first few dates, and become esspecially aparant after a few glasses of wine!

The first red flag appears when it comes time to pay the bill.

I am all up for equality but there is a time and a place. The invitee should always pay. I mean it is polite to offer to pay but I am a traditionalist when it comes to first dates and I think the invittee (man) should pay. Nothing is more awkward or uncomfortable when he accepts your offer and splits the bill.

Red flag number 2… NEVER and I mean NEVER talk about your ex on a first date. That goes for him too. If he talks about his ex on the first date something must be wrong…he either isn’t over her or he is feels he needs to gloat in front of you. First dates are about getting to know somone new, not rehashing the past.

I have surveyed quite a few women on this topic and most say if the man is too open too quickly it is a major turn off. For example talking about sex, how much of it they like, why the like it, who they’re having it with etc  etc etc .

These are fine conversation topics just not on the first date. A definite red flag when you’re just getting to know someone.

Another alarm bell is when they constantly talk about themselves…No one wants to date a narcasist (from personal experience) so if your date is constantly talking about himself then, A that is dead boring and B behaviour of a Narcasist. Conversation needs to flow and there needs to be some giving and taking.

Flag number 5…Bad table manners! A big no and a true red flag. It is a turn off and embarrassing. You can tell a lot from first impressions and bad table manners screams sloppiness. This flag also applies to swearing…swearing is unattractive and unsexy.

Also look at how he treats the women in his life (mother, sister etc)…if he doesn’t treat them well he won’t treat you well. That’s a red flag number six.

x

How do you know when you’re ready???

Question-Mark-1936457

 

 

Dating can be daunting especially if you have been out of the game for a while.

There are a few sure signs to know whether you are ready to face the lions den. Dating can be tough and I hate to be the barer of bad news but disappointment is almost a certainty.

So here are a few tips…

You must be over your ex

Searching for a rebound is not the way to date. You will always be looking to compare your date with your ex. And a word of advice… if you are still in love with your ex no one will compare, so you will always fall short.

Sometimes it will keep you distracted for short periods of time. But I find activities like exercise, drinks with friends, and even knitting better than trying to date while you are on the rebound.

It is important that you are comfortable in your own skin, you know your boundaries and what you want out of a new relationship before you jump in to one. You past relationship broken up for a reason… don’t forget this… so accept, learn, and apply your new found knowledge to the right man not a rebound man.

You must have an open mind

Dating is about discovery… and during discovery phases you won’t always find what you are looking for. You need to date without judgement and expectation. Sometimes the best dates are the unexpected unplanned dates.

Use your heart not your brain

Women especially have a tendency to over think situations. If you are thinking too much then they’re never bound to meet your list of expectations. The heart is much more forgiving… you can do the thinking later.

Ease into it

Don’t rush… you don’t need to date numerous men at once. Spend time with each date and find out if there is potentially. Often if you date too many men at once it just gets confusing and you can’t focus on what you want and who you want it with.

x

How Leona Lewis taught me a valuable lesson in love…

are you serious

Dating can sometimes lead to love… and in my case it did.

Back in 2009 I was doing some freelance work for a newspaper. I was 22 naive and in hindsight made very silly man choices.

The first day in the office I was spotted by a journalist and for some reason he took quite a shine to me. He took me under his wing helping me over achieve in a position I was very unfamiliar with.

He had a girlfriend who he had also met at the paper… but from what he had told me their three year relationship was on the rocks.

So one thing led to another and he charmed his way into my life. A few months on he broke up with his girlfriend for me and without even shedding a tear he jumped full force into a relationship with me… well so I thought…

For a whole year he refused to take me out to dinner, he wouldn’t take me out ANYWHERE not even to the movies claiming he was still getting over his breakup… (he broke up with her for me?).

One evening he had promised to help me move house.. he said he would be at over at 6pm to help out… he never showed.

I sent him a polite text asking of his whereabouts and I didn’t get a reply.

I was upset, when you rely on someone and they let you down it is never a nice feeling. I didn’t here from him for TWO weeks. Not a phone call or a text, nothing. It was the longest two weeks of my life. I listened to Leona Lewis everyday in the car to and from work.(embarrassing?!?!)  She saved me. If it was’t for Leona things may have been different!!

After two weeks of scilence he turned up at my work with flowers… apologising for his no show. I dismissed him and said it was too late, I had moved on.

The next night he called me claiming he had suicidal thoughts (for f++ks sake!). I stuck to my guns and said he was too late and i had moved on.

For weeks he would turn up on my doorstep asking for forgiveness… I eventually, stupidly took him back.

I am going to cut a long broken hearted story short.

We ended up living together.. and we even ended up working together. I really loved him. I thought I was going to marry the guy.

He made me laugh, cry, and heck he even made me mad at times… but I still loved him.

One day 3 years into our relationship I caught him cheating with a collegue!! We worked in the same office so it was far from pleasant.

He left me for her.

And the plot thickens.

She had a boyfriend who a month later she found out she was having a baby with. WOW! So karma bit him in the bum and he ended up with nobody!

A few months on and we were still working together I found out he was dating another colleague… and had slept with two others.

Three years on Leona Lewis is playing in my car…

Listening to Leona made me realise that if I had never taken him back the first time I wouldn’t be broken hearted.

But having your heart broken is a part of life, if you haven’t loved you haven’t lived..

What I learnt was life is black and white… if someone does wrong by you there should be no second chances, no if’s, no buts.

I will never make that mistake again.

Had to be there…

corkscrew

When writing about dating it is hard to know where to start… I have been single for two years and in that time I would of been on more than 50 dates. Sounds like a lot but that is less than 1 a fortnight.

The next date I am going to share with you is one I like to call ‘Had to be there’. I call it this because at the time it felt like it was one of the worst dates I had ever experienced….in hindsight the whole situation was quite comical.

So here goes…

I met Sam one night at a house party in Bondi, Sydney… He seemed nice and quite good looking. He asked for my number so I gave it to him.

A few days later he called me and asked me over to his house for dinner. I thought that was rather forward for a first date, but accepted nether the less.

I always have the opinion that if a man asks you to his house for dinner they want more than dinner (I think any male would back me up). If I could give you any advice it would be not to have a home cooked meal as your first date…

…anyway…

A few days later the evening arrived. I was meant to be at his house at 7pm but arrived at 6:50pm to be punctual. As I was parking my car I heard a kerfuffle across the road.

I looked over to see Sam (my date) having a confrontation with a much bigger guy. They were throwing punches. I ran across the road to see what was going on… The bigger guy was yelling about the groceries which were strewn all over his manicured garden. There were broken eggs, tomatoes and a whole bunch of other groceries on the ground.

To this day I am not entirely sure why they were throwing punches but there must have been some built up history between them.

Anyway… my date was on the ground bleeding from his nose (seriously!?!?!). I picked him up and took him to his apartment.

We walked into the apartment and things went from bad to worse.

His apartment was basically a squatters nest.

I have an open mind when it comes to most things but this was ghastly. There were bunk beds in the lounge room…as well as in two of the bedrooms. There must of been about 4 people sleeping in each bedroom and another four sleeping in the lounge room.

There were beer bottles lying on the floor… there was so much rubbish and junk on the balcony you could barely see out… there were cigarette butts on the ground and the ashtrays were over flowing not to mention the strong cigarette smoke stench.

In a nutshell I don’t think the place had been cleaned for 10 years…  I learnt that you can never truly know a man until you see where he lives.

After I had cleaned his face from all the blood that was now beginning to dry on it. I pulled out a bottle of wine.. my date scrounged around for some odd wine glasses that also looked like they hadn’t been cleaned in 10 years.

After realising the wine wasn’t a screw top he informed me he didn’t have a bottle opener! (what twenty something person doesn’t have a cork screw)

He then had decided it would be a good idea if I drove to buy a bottle opener?!?!?! I politely agreed not wanting to be rude.

Let me remind you this is a FIRST DATE…

I got to my car and all I could do was cry.. I bawled my eyes out, hysterically crying. Looking back i am not sure why I wasn’t laughing but I was so overwhelmed by the fight, then the pigsty, then the cork screw that I didn’t know what else to do.

I called my friend crying and explained what had happened… with a five minute pep talk I pulled my self together drove to the nearest bottle shop and bought a cork screw.

Part of me really didn’t want to go back, but I really didn’t want to be rude and I kind of felt sorry for the poor guy.

I drove back and we ate overcooked chicken sitting on the dirty couch (he didn’t have a dining table due to crammed in bunk beds).

After all that went down he still thought he had a chance at making a move, with a bleeding nose and all. I made it quite clear no funny business would be happening and it was time for me to go.

I left and never saw him again.

———————————–

Todays Dating Tips

Never accept a home cooked meal as a first date.

If your date asks you to leave to get a cork screw…run and never go back!

Crying can help you feel better

love game – PART 1

datingpic

Dating is a game… it’s all in how you play.

There are many DO’s and DON’Ts when it comes to dating.

The first thing to remember about dating is it’s a discovery phase… It is about getting to know someone new, their values, goals, interests and ideas.

A date is not an hour study cram, you don’t need to learn every ounce of information about the man to see if he will make the perfect long term suitor.

Don’t interrogate… relax…talk about the news of the day, world issues and ask them what their interests are… you don’t need to pick their brain about everything from their childhood to their chosen funeral home.

It is important to date with a level head, no expectations. That way you won’t be disappointed.

Be open to the fact they may not have all the same interests as you…and it doesn’t matter. 

Don’t place so much pressure on the first date. If it doesn’t live up to expectations give them another chance to make their mark… It is important to give this fresh blood a couple of chances…. besides you can’t possibly know someone from a short dinner or drink.

First impressions count so make sure you’re well groomed, showered and fresh… no one want’s a smelly date.

Table manners are important (thanks mum)…if he hasn’t got any alarm bells should be ringing.

It’s ok to drink a wine or two, even a cocktail might ease the the jitters but ladies don’t over drink… a) a drunk date is not attractive b) you should stay safe c) alcohol encourages actions and activities you otherwise wouldn’t consider.

Starting from scratch with someone knew can be hard. But it is important to remember that you will never know if you don’t give it a go.